The Definition Problem

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My last article gave me a useful way to look at dating-app conversations: people don’t always put the same amount of effort into an interaction.

That idea helped me notice something else.

Investment in What?

I recently matched with someone who could clearly communicate. When I asked about something she cared about, she wrote thoughtful, detailed answers. She had plenty to say.

But when I tried to learn more about her, the answers changed:

• Shorter.

• Less detail.

• No questions back.

At first, that looked like low effort. But that didn’t make sense. She had already shown me that she was perfectly capable of putting effort into a conversation.

So I started asking a different question: What is she putting her effort into?

That changed how I looked at the interaction. Maybe effort isn’t just about how much someone gives. Maybe it’s also about where it goes.

Someone can put a lot of effort into explaining their beliefs while putting very little into getting to know the person they’re talking to. That’s not necessarily bad. But it creates a problem if the other person is trying to have a mutual conversation.

Maybe We’re Doing Different Things

That led me to a bigger question: What if we don’t agree on what dating is supposed to look like?

When I match with someone, I assume we’re there to get to know each other. I’ll ask questions. They’ll answer. Hopefully, they’ll ask questions too. Over time, we learn more about each other.

But maybe that’s not what everyone thinks they’re supposed to do.

Maybe some people are evaluating. They’re watching to see what you talk about. How you respond. Whether you take initiative. What you volunteer without being asked.

From that perspective, they may feel like they’re participating perfectly normally. They’re just not trying to get to know you the same way you’re trying to get to know them.

The Awkward Result

This can create a strange situation.

Imagine two people who are both evaluating:

• Both are waiting to see what the other person does.

• Both are watching for signs of interest.

• Neither wants to give too much away too soon.

So neither really gives the other person much to work with. The conversation goes nowhere.

And both people may leave thinking: They’re not interested.

Maybe neither person was uninterested. Maybe they were both waiting for the other person to do something.

What I Know So Far

This is where I am right now.

I used to think the problem was mostly about how much effort someone was willing to put in. I still think that matters.

But now I think there’s another question underneath it: What kind of interaction does each person think they’re in?

• Are we trying to get to know each other?

• Are you evaluating me while I’m asking questions?

• Are we both evaluating each other and waiting for something to happen?

I don’t know if this is the complete answer. It may change as I have more experiences.

But it explains something I couldn’t make sense of before: Two people can both be participating in a dating interaction and still be doing completely different things.

And maybe that’s why some conversations feel so frustrating. You’re trying to do one thing. They’re trying to do another. Neither of you realizes it.