Meeting People Where They Are

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There is a saying most of us have heard since childhood:

Treat others the way you want to be treated.

I’ve never thought the saying was wrong. But I think we often take it more literally than we should.

Because what if the way I want to be treated isn’t the way you want to be treated?

If I value direct communication, I might think I’m being respectful by telling you exactly what I think. If you value gentleness, you might experience that same approach as harsh.

If I want space when I’m upset, I might default to giving you space when you’re upset. But maybe what you actually want is for someone to stay close.

Neither person necessarily has bad intentions. We’re just starting from different places.

We Start With What We Know

When I try to understand what someone else needs, I naturally reach for what I know: me.

If something makes me feel cared for, I might assume it will make you feel cared for too. If something helps me solve a problem, I might assume it will help you solve yours. If I would want someone to give me advice, I might give advice.

It feels obvious because it is obvious from where I’m standing. But you’re standing somewhere else.

You have different experiences, preferences, fears, and values. The same action can mean something completely different to you.

That’s the difficult part: our perspective doesn’t feel like a perspective. It feels like reality.

If I love traveling and you don’t, I might wonder why you don’t want to see the world. If you love traveling and I don’t, you might wonder why I’m wasting my time staying home.

We’re both comparing the other person’s choices against what makes sense to us.

Meeting Someone Where They Are

This is what I think it really means to meet someone where they are.

Not abandoning what you need. Not becoming whatever the other person wants. Just being willing to find out what actually matters to them.

• Maybe they don’t want advice. Maybe they want to feel understood first.

• Maybe they don’t want more communication. Maybe they need some space.

The only way to really know is to pay attention, ask questions, and give yourself enough time to see the pattern. Sometimes someone tells you. Sometimes you learn through context. Sometimes you try something and see how they respond.

And sometimes you get it wrong. That’s part of the process.

But Understanding Goes Both Ways

Understanding someone else’s needs doesn’t mean they are the only needs that matter.

I can’t expect someone to know what I need if I’ve never communicated it. People aren’t mind readers. They are interpreting us through their own perspective, just like we’re interpreting them through ours.

If I want something specific, eventually I have to give someone enough context to understand what that is.

That means relationships aren’t simply about learning how to accommodate another person. They’re about two people gradually learning how to understand each other.

And that distinction matters.

Adaptation Isn’t Always Attunement

People do learn how to treat each other over time, but there are different reasons why.

• Attunement is learning what someone likes because you understand them and genuinely want to offer it.

• Tolerance is learning what someone likes because you’ve discovered that doing anything else starts an argument.

From the outside, those situations might look identical. But they’re not.

One is accommodation driven by care. The other is accommodation driven by keeping the peace.

Both can be useful, but only one is really about knowing the other person.

Sometimes It Doesn’t Work

Once you start looking at relationships this way, the outcome becomes less about finding the perfect interaction and more about learning what happens when two people try.

• Maybe our needs are close enough that adjusting is easy.

• Maybe they’re very different and it takes more effort.

• Maybe we experiment with different ways of communicating and eventually find something that works.

• And maybe we don’t.

That’s information too.

If I communicate what I need and you can’t or don’t want to meet me there, that doesn’t necessarily mean either of us did something wrong. It might simply mean we’re not a good fit in that particular area.

The Point Isn’t to Become Someone Else

I think this is where the saying becomes more useful.

“Treat others the way you want to be treated” doesn’t have to mean give everyone what you would want. Maybe the better starting point is the consideration behind it.

I can approach you with the same consideration I would want for myself while recognizing that what you actually need may be different from what I need.

Then I have a choice:

• I can keep giving you what I would want, because it makes sense to me.

• Or I can get curious about what you actually want.

And you can do the same for me.

Maybe that’s what understanding someone really requires: not abandoning your own perspective, but remembering that it isn’t the only one.